193. To my parents whom i dearly miss..  A letter that can not be sent
  HIT : 770 File :
  Name : durihana Date : 2016-07-07 오후 12:57:58

These are 38 letters written with grief to Mom, Dad and beloved family and friends from the “Durihana” community members. They will never be sent.

To my mom in heaven,

Mom! Mom! Can you hear me? I’m Wonmyung. Today we were told to write letters to anyone and I want to write one to you. I miss you so much. Is it hot and rainy, where you are too? It’s a little cooler today at school because of the rain. It was quite hot until yesterday.

Mom! I can now ride the bike that dad bought me. I learned to ride it yesterday and I can already ride it after a single day! I wanted to show off that I can ride my bike. I would very much like to ride my bike with you, Mom and Dad. Good bye, Mom!

From Wonmyung (9 years old)

To my big sister, wherever you are,

Hi sister, where are you? If you hadn’t been sold to China, you could have joined us here in South Korea. I am now in South Korea, studying and attending church at Durihana. I play with my friends here.

It’s already been 5 years since we have been separated in North Korea when I was ten. I am now 15 years old. You used to carry me on your back, make my meals and look out for me. I used to like you better than Mom. If I do get to meet you again, I would so much like to thank you. I would like to go back into the past and apologize for not listening to you and thank you for raising me.

I envy my friends with big sisters. I miss you and Mom so much. There is plenty to eat here and I am well. Where are you? How are you? I would so much like to meet you at least once. I would like to meet you no matter what. I am praying for this to happen. I will study hard and do my best at everything. So please do not give up hope no matter how hard this world is for you. I will look for you and find you. Please stay alive! I will find you. Please stay alive!

From Jinsung (14 years old)

Hi Joonnam,

It’s me, Wonhyuk. I came to South Korea and met Pastor Kiwon Chun. I have come to know of Jesus. My pastor tells me that whoever believes in Jesus can go to heaven. I hope you can believe in Jesus too. Then you can go to heaven too. It’s been a while since we have last seen each other. I suppose you have grown a lot. I am still the same.

You are the only one I can spill my thoughts out to. This is why I am writing to you. I was really sad when my mom died of a heart attack.

Do you have a dream? I have a dream. I want to become a pastor. I am taking one step at a time to become one. If you have a dream, I hope you take small steps towards your dream too. I hope your dream comes true.

I miss my mom so much. I cry every time I think of her. It may sound stupid but when I think of you, I am really happy. Be healthy and well. We will be friends forever until the Koreas unite. Goodbye.

From Wonhyuk Cho (14 years old)

Dear Mom,

How are you?

I worry when you are sick. I am sorry I don’t listen to you and get on your nerves. I am doing well.

Please stop by at “Durihana.” I will be able to see this letter when I am in the 6th grade. Mom, please don’t be sick and stay well.

I want to show you a short writing. The four leaf clover means “luck,” therefore we look for four leaf clovers, looking for luck. It is not easy to find a four leaf clover among the many three leaf clovers. But do you know the meaning of a three leaf clover? It is “happiness.” Happiness is all around us. Are you not missing happiness looking for luck? Goodbye, Mom.

From Jusung Lee (11 years old)

*Jusung’s mother enrolled him at Durihana and we have not been able to reach her since the next day. 11 year old Jusung misses his mother and writes this letter to her as she is on her search for luck.

To my late Dad,

Hi Dad, It’s me, Yoonmee. Are you well up there? I am doing well here at Durihana International School with my friends and learning the Words of God.

If you had been alive, I would have told you about God. I was too young to remember but I miss the time I used to live in Ryannggang Province with you and Mom.

Dad, are you reading this? Are you listening to me? You used to really like me. Mom and I had a really rough time after you passed away. Every time things turned bad, I hoped that you would be alive, thinking that we would not have to go through so much.

It is especially hard for Mom. She is working for my future.

I will study hard for my future and for Mom. I will become God’s disciple and take good care of Mom. I’ll try to fill your shoes.

Dad, I’ll never forget you. Let us meet in heaven. I will pray for you. I love you, Dad!

Yoonmee Hwang (14 years old)

To my brother, whom I’ve never met,

Hi, I’m Miyoun. We have the same mother but different fathers, you are still my brother, so I will call you brother. I hope you are doing well in North Korea. You must hate Mom for leaving you. But Mom cries thinking of you every day here in South Korea and cried even when we were back in China. She regrets spanking you for eating part of the tofu that she wanted to put into the soup when you were five.

Mom is always worried, whether you eat well and if your stepmother treats you well. She cries and cries because she is here in South Korea without worries of eating. Every time I see her like that, it breaks my heart. When she speaks highly of you, I would become jealous and shout at her. I haven’t seen her in 4 weeks and miss her already. I can’t imagine how much you miss her.

I hope you can come to South Korea soon. When Mom was being hit by dad in China, she said it would have helped if you had been there. I believe that we will meet one day. I hope that day comes soon.

Miyoun (13 years old)

To my Mom in prison,

Mom, it’s me, Seojung. I’m now living in South Korea. I can now speak Korean, I have a lot of friends and I am studying hard.

I really didn’t like you when I was young. A lot of people told me that you deserted me. I thought you were waiting for me in South Korea and even dreamed of you coming to look for me. I lived without any motherly love. I came to South Korea on April 28 to meet you. I was looking forward to meeting you but once I heard that you were working in Jeju and couldn’t come to meet me I was really disappointed.

But then I heard from my aunt when I was in 7th grade that you were repatriated and that she was not sure if you were alive or not. I was shocked and cried all night. I was really sorry. I hated that I couldn’t understand you. You loved me so much but I didn’t know that and I hated myself because of it.

Mom, I now wish that even if you can’t make it to South Korea, I hope you stay alive and do not starve to death. When we unite, I will go and look for you and bring you to South Korea. I will be here at Durihana Church praying for the day when God opens the doors.

Please wait for me. I will go looking for you. Don’t worry. I love you, Mom.

Waiting for you in South Korea, Seojung (14 years old)

To my dearest Mom,

Oh Mom, I really have so much to say. I don’t know where to begin.

I want to give you a big hug and cry your name out loud. Even if I scream “Mom” I know you can’t hear me and cannot answer back but I have cried out your name and cried a lot. Mom, it’s so hard here. It used to be physically difficult farming with you but now everything is mentally hard.

I escaped to China in the winter of 2013 without telling you. I wondered who my dad was and I wandered what it would be like to go to another country out of a country without freedom. I was curious about the world out there and followed my (paternal) aunt. My real purpose of escape was to send you some money for medicine since you were taking injections, heart medicine, digestive medicine, and pain killers every day. I guess you didn’t know that.

I wanted to free you from the money you borrowed from next door Hyunho, from Ilshim’s, from other places for medication. I wanted to send you the money I make in China and therefore did not hesitate to go to China. I didn’t leave because I didn’t like you.

Mom, when I met you 5 months after I was caught in China and imprisoned, you asked me why I had left you. I told you that it was out of curiosity but I couldn’t be frank and tell you that it was because of your medicines. I thought it would hurt you. It really hurts me when you cry and when you are hurt.

Mom, it must have been hard raising me without Dad. Why couldn’t I have been a better daughter when I was with you and not regret the past? Why is it that I only now understand the pain you were going through? Why did I not know how important you were when you were next to me? I am now too aware of all of this.

When I first came to South Korea, everything was wonderful. I didn’t have to wake up every day at 4 or 5 am to carry 50-60 kg cucumbers with my bike in a cucumber field taller than myself. I didn’t have to open the greenhouse doors every morning and water or sow the fields. Hanawon (Settlement Support Center for North Korean Refugees) would provide us with food and clothes. It was very nice.

Now I look back at the times when I had lunch after working in the fields with Grandma and Aunt and the meals I had with you after school. I miss those days and wish I could go back. I didn’t live with you all the time but I would still like to go back into time.

Mom, I am now at Durihana in Seoul. My pastor had told me about God and I am living here with my friends who also believe in God. We share our sorrows and pains and are happy here. My friends think of my pain as theirs and I try to share their burden too. We pray for each other. I am happy that I have met these friends.

Now that I can’t meet you, I have realized something. I have realized how precious your love is, something that I had taken for granted. No matter how much I love you, it will not even be close to how much you loved and cared for me.

My biggest dream and hope is that I can meet you gain. My pastor has told me that he will help me find you. All that I can do right now is to pray for you. I want to become a proud daughter. Please stay well and healthy until the day we unite.

I will pray for you every single day, especially for your health and for the Koreas to unite soon. I will pray that I want to meet my beloved mother soon. And I wish to tell you something that I never had. I am very sorry and I love you very much.

From Suryun (16 years old)

Dear Dad,

I want to tell you I am sorry first. It has been about 5 years since we have last seen each other. Although I am not sure if you are well there, I really miss you.

It was Parent’s day some time ago; my friends were calling their fathers to tell them how grateful they were. This made me sad. I had never told you this but I really wanted to tell you “Dad, I will never forget how much you have done for our family. I know you suffered. I love you, Dad. I love you.” It’s now too late since you are so far away.

I won’t be able to see you again but will you be able to see me? I really miss you and want to ask you to stay but I can’t. We live in different worlds.

I miss the time when I played with you in the park and when you took my side in front of Mom. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything for you. I should have at least washed your feet. I’ve always took things from you and have never been thankful for them. I am so sorry.

I would like to hold your warm hand again but you are no longer with me. I hope for your peace at heart. I really miss you.

From Gwang Han (18 years old)